April 15..5:48pm..Emo mode.. Alone in the Dark side of the City..

For the first time in my life i found myself alone..Emotionally and physically alone..

No girlfriend, partner, no distractions. but it seems it really affect my life so much.
My work is full of pressures and challenges, if you make yourself busy you'll forget the things that this world gives you damn thing. My work is from 8am until 8pm in the evening, and if there are huge work to be done, we need to have overtime or sometimes overnight.

You feel yourself contented, you have stable work, loving family, Caring friends that always there. But sometimes you feel, you're nothing. You always want something that makes your life complete.

I brought myself in this city, a world waiting for me to immerse myself into, the music, the culture, the beaches, the place, streets to be walked, the people.....to be explored and to learned from them.
Actually i have so many plans to do in my life, plans that gives me peace of mind, things/plans that makes me happy. But that's not enough if you know your self your alone and you want someone to pursue that plans.

But in this moment, i realize that it is me, my self, my attitude, my personality ruined my life.. i have been distracted myself from something that if i'll analyze and emphasize very well its not a that thing to give attention.
It is so easy to find someone that will give your needs, physical needs rather, but its hard for me to push myself into someone, to go out, and act like you love her and you need her in your life and deep inside you don't feel anything about her.
Spending my weekends with my friends here in Cebu; foods, wines, beers, and spend all night in dancing, singing and just ignoring my bodies wishes to put into bed and to rest will sometimes be the happiest day of my life. But at the end of the day and while taking a rest, again you feel alone and nothing.

Really, what i wanted in my life is simply, a healthy relationships with people or a person who accept me for what i am, for who i am, who will respect and trust me. People who know how to love and do not judge.

Now i understand, for the first time, it's not an easy to love someone who may never be with you at all times, the distances really affected, you just pretend yourself to have a normal relationships yet you are not happy at all, you always worry about her, if she will cheat you or betrayed you. It is not simple as you will entering a restaurant on your first date and you just picking the best bottle of wine, or entering a dance floor and dance with somebody who had the best dance from people there, jam with the band and sing the best song you wanted. Getting into relationship is so complicated. There are a lot of things to consider to have a healthy relationships.

I just wanted a relationship that doesn't expired and won't due.

I am now on the state of, understanding, respect and honoring my restrictions, i have continuing push myself for more, beyond my limits.

To be alone now is to learn my value, to find my boundaries, strengths, weakness, and my abilities that i may use to surpass what i might expected to myself.

Now i know what i wanted, who's the person i wanted to be with me for the rest of my life. And the best thing is now, I know Who I am, what thing that could give me so much pain, and now i understand what life could bring, such as miserable things, and unexpected happenings.

My heart wanted more and my faith really wanted to explore things.